Often when I am perusing old newspapers I come across some rather interesting sections devoted to satisfying the distinctive brand of humor characterizing the tastes of the century to which they belong. In my time traveling adventures, I have discovered specimens representing everything from the dry and crass to the strange and sickly sweet. I have included a sampling of some of these below ordered chronologically.
June 23rd 1853 Wayne County Herald
Awkward Dance—Forward two—and hit
your partner in the bread basket; dos-a-dos—
turn to the right and kick your partner on the shins;
shassey all—promenade to the left, and
accidentally knock down two attendants carrying
refreshments.
June 23rd 1853 Wayne County Herald
A western editor says he heard a young
lady at the table ask for “hen fruit”—meaning
eggs.
June 30, 1853 Wayne County Herald
Young ladies should never object to being
kissed by Printers. They should make every allowance
for the freedom of the press
June 30, 1853 Wayne County Herald
A gentleman told a lady she was wondrous
handsome; she replied “I thank you for
your opinion, and I wish I could say as much of
you”. “You might madam” said he, “if you
had told as big a lie as I did.”
The Wayne county Herald, vol. 17, No 46, Nov. 18 1858
An Irish Man, being asked if he understood French replied: “Yis, by the powers, I understand French perfectly when one spakes it in Irish.”
Freeborn County Standard June 9, 1860
Census Questions
The following take-off on the questions
proposed to be asked by the takers of the
census of 1860, has been variously credited
to the Buffalo Express and the Cleveland Plaindealer;
What is your age?
Where were you born?
Are you married, and if so, how do you like it?
Did you ever have the measles and if so how many?
Have you a twin brother several years older than yourself?
Have you parents, if so, how many?
What is your fighting weight?
Which do you like best for light reading “The Gunmaker of Moscow,” by Cobb or the President’s last Message by J.B.?
How many times has your wife “wished she was dead” and did you reciprocate the wish
Do you use boughton tobacco and if so how much?
Were you and your wife worth anything when you were married, and if not, what proportion of her things were your’n and your things her’n?
Were you ever in petitentiary?
Are you troubled with piles?
How many empty bottles have you in the house?
How does your meerschaum color?
Have you any of Thayer’s speeches on the horse railroad?
Are beans an article of regular diet in your family, and if so, how does it go?
State whether you are blind, deaf, idiotic, or have the heaves
How many chickens have you, and are they on foot or in the shell—also, how many succedaneums?
Is there a strawberry mark on your left leg?
Which food do you prefer, rum or mixed drinks?
State how much pork, impending crisis, Dutch cheese, popular sovereignty, standard poetry, slave code, catnip, red flannel, Constitution and Union, old junk, perfumery, coal oil, liberty hoop skirts, &c., you have on hand.
Persons liable to be “censused” will do well to cut out the above and put it in a conspicuous place.
Freeborn County Standard November 24, 1860
Mrs. Partington says that she has noticed that whether flour was dear or cheap she had invariably to pay the same money for half a dollars worth.
The Freeborn County Standard January 30, 1861
“Old Buck” says he will ride to the Capitol
with “Old Abe” on the 4th of March,
‘whether he is assassinated or not.” Old
Abe would not care for his company if he
was assassinated.
The Freeborn County Standard February 20, 1861
The following bill rendered by a
carpenter to a farmer for whom he had
worked seems at least curious: “To hanging
two barn doors and myself seven hours,
one dollar and a half.
The Freeborn County Standard March 6, 1861
It is discovered that if dogs have
plenty of water they won’t go mad. A
friend of dogs suggests that a hole be cut
in the ice, the dog inserted and the hole
closed.
The Freeborn County Standard March 20, 1861
Valuable Recipes.—We have often
tried the following recipes and know them
to be worth preserving:
To make a nice jam—Lay your head
under a descending pile driver!
To see if a man is your friend—Make
love to his wife!
To get the frost out of your fingers—
Put them into hot water!
To see if a girl is aimable—Tear her
dress in the ball room!
To keep yourself warm in bed—Set it
on fire!
To be ahead of time—Carry your watch
behind you!
To see how hard a man strikes—Tell
him he lies!
To keep your poor relatives from troubling
you—Commit suicide!
To keep from being dry—Stand out in
the rain.
To do away with spectacles—put your
eyes out.
To have tarts for tea—let your wife see
you kiss the waiting maid. A sure thing!
To prevent a headache when getting
sober—keep drunk.
To see if a girl loves you—ask her like
a man.
To tell if you love a girl—have some tallow
headed chap go and see her.
Hector Mirror June 25, 1891
He—How carelessly happy Miss Humpkins looks.
She—Yes. When anyone is 30 and has never been engaged one has to look carelessly happy.
Freeborn County Standard March 26 1902
A 4-year old Albert Lea-Jersey miss
says that angels make babies of sugar
and baking powder.
A forward lad in the Sunday school
expressed the opinion that Jonah must
have felt down in the mouth after being thrown to the whale.
The Wayne County Herald March 19,1903
Little Eddie was looking at the drop of water through the microscope.
“Now I know,” he said, after seeing the microbes darting around in the water; “I know what sings when the kettle is boiling; it is these little bugs.” – N. Y. Times
The Wayne County Herald March 19,1903
Metaphysics
Willie—Say, pa?
Pa – Well, what now?
Willie—What becomes of the hole in a doughnut?—N.Y. Sun
The Wayne County Herald March 19,1903
Time Flies Sometimes
She—Papa said you must not stay after eleven o’clock
He—It’s nine o’clock now.
She—Mercy! We have only two hours to say good night—N.Y. Weekly
Uncited
This Must Be a Yellow Journal.
Hustling Editor—How many murders
did that man commit?
Assistant—One reporter says three, an-
other says five and another says nine.
Hustling Editor—Three, five, nine. eh?
Oh, well, we'll have to strike an average.
Make it 359.—New York Weekly.
No comments:
Post a Comment